Summary: This guide is intended to show
roughly what may be expected in a yacht club, near closing, on a
scheduled regatta weekend, or any other time a group of A-cat
sailors gather. Further from the sea or near enclosed water, time
scales may be shorter and the exaggerations larger.
0 to 12 jugs
Please note: The scale above '8' is very rarely experienced
due to the sea breeze and lack of funds. However when the phrase
"the kitty covers everything" is heard, it can be assumed that force
12 will be reached and maintained for the duration of the
0 Stone Cold Sober: Able to stand
unaided, everything in focus, smoke rises vertically,
drinks only bought when cajoled, sensible conversation
1 Feeling Warm: Very slight deviation from
course, but no stumbling, training organised for next
Sunday, voices kept low to exclude non favourites.
2 Slight Inebriation: Some incoherence, eyes have
glassy appearance, occasional slur. Past regattas
discussed, some exaggeration, winning times marginally
decreased, boat speeds more or less accurate.
3 Gentle Glow: Barmaid becoming more attractive,
some bantering, drink bought for a Hobie sailor. Race
margins always exaggerated, times halved, enjoyment
factor of last regatta doubled. Boat speeds increasing
noticeably. Recovery times lengthening. Wind becoming
4 Moderate Inebriation: Pronounced slurring,
voices increase in volume, some bad jokes re-told,
offers of drinks to entire group. Last near miss made to
sound as if planned, all courses now 20% longer and
current greatly increased. Much talk of s-curving, some
5 Well On: Speech becomes incoherent, some
foaming, barmaid appears drop dead gorgeous, more jugs
ordered (Chance of some spray) Speed of boats in knots
over-estimated by factor of two. Some slight references
to wedges/pies/ pizza.
6 Half Newt: Tables move, pattern on carpet
becomes fuzzy, jokes get worse, (Probably some spray).
Some boats now unbeatable, weather last time out
worst/best in living memory, margins and times now
increase/ decrease by a factor of four. Renowned club
member now takes two hours to launch while buddies sit
at outer leads in 30 knots waiting for him. Some spars
may be purchased at inflated prices.
7 Full Newt: Whole yacht club in motion, next
coached training session planned – Outer Reef return.
Deposits taken, and used for next round. Some mention of
"spag bol" many bags of nuts and chips purchased.
Barmaid is Pamela Anderson (and she wants you!). RC boat
is so large it swings across the entire course, hence
pin is never in the same place twice. (Or compass is
useless due to US military screwing up the signal).
Inconvenience may be felt when walking to the loo.
8 Semi smashed: Immediate training trip to venue
for next Nationals organised, some glass breaking,
insults are extensive. Beer is spread over adjoining
tables, new round ordered, kitty is increased. Immediate
trip to next Nationals venue is on the cards. More talk
of spag bol. Tackle may be placed on the pool table.
Half-boat sailors warned about the dangers of burying a
bow at high speed. Boats now capable of 30 knots even
with sails flogging. Port covers lost, progress
9 Near Smashed: Table dancing is commenced, some
structural damage, some falling. Bones may break,
injuries may go unnoticed, friends may refuse to
acknowledge that assistance is required. Broken
colleague is returned to car park, dumped in trailer box
and covered with foil bag for comfort. All return to
yacht club, (flashing and TV antennas removed).
10 Smashed: Seldom experienced before collapse,
friendly regattas organised in Aussie and Fiji for the
same week, new regatta sail lent to class dickhead,
offers of marriage to barmaid/barman. Boats now quicker
than clubs rescue boat, last race - 10 miles, flat on
the wire with mainsheet hand turning purple for 45
minutes straight, sailed home with ripped main held in
teeth. Some moans from car park, severe swelling may be
evident, all cries are ignored. Some spray, much foam.
Ornamental trees may be uprooted.
11 Nitroxed: Trans-oceanic training session
organised, more deposits taken, new round ordered, many
full glasses may be seen, bodies falling everywhere,
medical treatment required, no pain felt, more chips and
nuts ordered, cries for spag bol and wedges get louder.
Much whiskey of unpronounceable name ordered, wet gear
fills room, everything blurred. Small and medium sized
sailors may become lost for a time. Visibility affected.
12 Out of Skull: Communications impossible,
speech becomes lost in profanities, old grudges surface,
past regattas recalled in detail, all measurements
quadrupled, boats now faster than Burt Munroe's Indian,
even with one submerged hull and bare poles. The air is
filled with foam and spray, smoke is thick, garbage bins
There may be a short lull – Training is cancelled,
deposits demanded back, organisers are accused of fraud, sailing
sucks, all equipment for sale, golf clubs bought from fat bloke at
bar. Wife arrives with car, followed by total amnesia and coma.