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THE BEERFORT SCALE
0 to 12 jugs

Summary: This guide is intended to show roughly what may be expected in a yacht club, near closing, on a scheduled regatta weekend, or any other time a group of A-cat sailors gather. Further from the sea or near enclosed water, time scales may be shorter and the exaggerations larger.

Please note: The scale above '8' is very rarely experienced due to the sea breeze and lack of funds. However when the phrase "the kitty covers everything" is heard, it can be assumed that force 12 will be reached and maintained for the duration of the expedition.

 

0 Stone Cold Sober: Able to stand unaided, everything in focus, smoke rises vertically, drinks only bought when cajoled, sensible conversation abounds.

1 Feeling Warm: Very slight deviation from course, but no stumbling, training organised for next Sunday, voices kept low to exclude non favourites.

2 Slight Inebriation: Some incoherence, eyes have glassy appearance, occasional slur. Past regattas discussed, some exaggeration, winning times marginally decreased, boat speeds more or less accurate.

3 Gentle Glow: Barmaid becoming more attractive, some bantering, drink bought for a Hobie sailor. Race margins always exaggerated, times halved, enjoyment factor of last regatta doubled. Boat speeds increasing noticeably. Recovery times lengthening. Wind becoming heavier/lighter/flukier/solider.

4 Moderate Inebriation: Pronounced slurring, voices increase in volume, some bad jokes re-told, offers of drinks to entire group. Last near miss made to sound as if planned, all courses now 20% longer and current greatly increased. Much talk of s-curving, some scepticism.

5 Well On: Speech becomes incoherent, some foaming, barmaid appears drop dead gorgeous, more jugs ordered (Chance of some spray) Speed of boats in knots over-estimated by factor of two. Some slight references to wedges/pies/ pizza.

6 Half Newt: Tables move, pattern on carpet becomes fuzzy, jokes get worse, (Probably some spray). Some boats now unbeatable, weather last time out worst/best in living memory, margins and times now increase/ decrease by a factor of four. Renowned club member now takes two hours to launch while buddies sit at outer leads in 30 knots waiting for him. Some spars may be purchased at inflated prices.

7 Full Newt: Whole yacht club in motion, next coached training session planned Outer Reef return. Deposits taken, and used for next round. Some mention of "spag bol" many bags of nuts and chips purchased. Barmaid is Pamela Anderson (and she wants you!). RC boat is so large it swings across the entire course, hence pin is never in the same place twice. (Or compass is useless due to US military screwing up the signal). Inconvenience may be felt when walking to the loo.

8 Semi smashed: Immediate training trip to venue for next Nationals organised, some glass breaking, insults are extensive. Beer is spread over adjoining tables, new round ordered, kitty is increased. Immediate trip to next Nationals venue is on the cards. More talk of spag bol. Tackle may be placed on the pool table. Half-boat sailors warned about the dangers of burying a bow at high speed. Boats now capable of 30 knots even with sails flogging. Port covers lost, progress generally impeded.

9 Near Smashed: Table dancing is commenced, some structural damage, some falling. Bones may break, injuries may go unnoticed, friends may refuse to acknowledge that assistance is required. Broken colleague is returned to car park, dumped in trailer box and covered with foil bag for comfort. All return to yacht club, (flashing and TV antennas removed).

10 Smashed: Seldom experienced before collapse, friendly regattas organised in Aussie and Fiji for the same week, new regatta sail lent to class dickhead, offers of marriage to barmaid/barman. Boats now quicker than clubs rescue boat, last race - 10 miles, flat on the wire with mainsheet hand turning purple for 45 minutes straight, sailed home with ripped main held in teeth. Some moans from car park, severe swelling may be evident, all cries are ignored. Some spray, much foam. Ornamental trees may be uprooted.

11 Nitroxed: Trans-oceanic training session organised, more deposits taken, new round ordered, many full glasses may be seen, bodies falling everywhere, medical treatment required, no pain felt, more chips and nuts ordered, cries for spag bol and wedges get louder. Much whiskey of unpronounceable name ordered, wet gear fills room, everything blurred. Small and medium sized sailors may become lost for a time. Visibility affected.

12 Out of Skull: Communications impossible, speech becomes lost in profanities, old grudges surface, past regattas recalled in detail, all measurements quadrupled, boats now faster than Burt Munroe's Indian, even with one submerged hull and bare poles. The air is filled with foam and spray, smoke is thick, garbage bins are full.

There may be a short lull Training is cancelled, deposits demanded back, organisers are accused of fraud, sailing sucks, all equipment for sale, golf clubs bought from fat bloke at bar. Wife arrives with car, followed by total amnesia and coma.

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